I know I have four children but I haven't seen my 16 year old in a very long time. With band competition season in full swing, she is busier than I ever imagined. Saturday she had a competition then went to someone's house where she hung out with her friends. Scott had gone through his bedtime routine and was about to go to sleep when a tall and lanky teenager graced our bedroom door.
"What is that?" I asked.
"It's our daughter," Scott answered. She smiled at us and vaulted over the footboard, landing between us on our bed. Scott closed his eyes and played possum. The tall, beautiful 16 year old went into the detailed particulars of the competition and what everybody said until Scott announced it was time for bed and let's say a family prayer. For some reason this cracked us girls up and I sat up laughing which caused me to have a full glottal snort. This then only made us laugh harder.
"How many boys did you kiss tonight," Scott asked.
She rolled her eyes. "None."
"You like boys, don't you?" I asked.
"Of course I like boys! What kind of mother asks that? You're in a weird mood tonight. What was in your dinner tonight?"
"I don't know. We had Hibachi. I drank three glasses of red wine."
"She did not," Scott said.
"And then we smoked a doobie." I continued then cracked up all over again.
"Did not," Scott intoned, his eyes still closed.
"What's a doobie?" the 16 year old asked. This made me laugh harder and caused more snorts. She rolled her eyes.
"Go to bed," Scott suggested to both of us. The 16 year old didn't move. She just laughed. I leaned over the 16 year old and told Scott we were now going to make out and turn this into an awkward moment for her, kissing him with all the passion of great Aunt Betty. Scott shifted his weight, rolled over and farted. More laughing and snorting. Scott was still playing possum. I felt an elbow in my ribs and she pushed me clear, vaulted back over the footboard and she was gone.
"She's gone," I informed Scott. "What do you want to do?" I asked suggestively.
He didn't even turn over to face me. He farted again. I laughed and snorted.
We really need parenting.