Dec 29, 2010

Neurosis 2011

The new year is fast approaching. I am starting early with my resolutions.  Feel free to emulate my goals.  I've spent a good deal of time precisely whittling them down to the following:

2011 New Year's Resolutions

1. Become preoccupied with the body, and make a long list of symptoms. Make them sound very clinical and professional...

2. BLAME your boss, your spouse, your partner, your neighbor, your kid. THEY are responsible for your miseries.

3. Feel trapped. You couldn't possibly declare your own independence without hurting someone's feelings.

4. Overeat. Rationalize and eat! Eat an insulated wall around yourself. Diet for a few days and say it doesn't work for you.

5. Self-pity. No matter what, feel sorry for yourself. Agonize over things about which no one cares.

6. Don't ever try. That way nobody can really accuse you of failure. You can always say, "But I could have done it."

7. Stress how shy you are. Insist that the world must come to you. You're special.

8. Your aggression is now sanctioned by the best authorities; Menninger, English, Cantor, and a host of others.

9. Never listen to anyone. Kiss off all valid advice. When you need anyone's opinion, you'll ask for it. Escape into negativism.

10. Never forgive. Look for the mistakes of others. If you can't find enough, manufacture some.

11. Hyper-acidity is popular for immediate attention. Nothing is better! Develop your own set of symptoms and worries - into an ulcer. Cheerfully explain that half a gut is better than none.

12. Nobody has the same reasons for drinking/ingesting chemicals that you have. Your motivations are UNIQUE. Escape in liquor.

13. Never be satisfied. Tell yourself you can always do better...and better...and better. Apologize for everything, no matter how well done it is. Keep knocking yourself out. You HAVE to work yourself to death to be worthy of being loved.

14. Be a martyr. Sigh a lot. Martyrs must always sigh because of their suffering. Everyone takes advantage of you, so elicit sympathy.

There it is! Print it out, laminate it and memorize each step. Neurosis is an art. The best neurotics have been honing their skills for years.

Or give up now and never try. You'll never be a good enough neurotic. Feel free to blame others for your own neurotic shortcomings in the comments section.

8 comments:

CountessLaurie said...

Yahooo!!! I can start blaming others!!!! I JUST KNEW IT WAS THEIR FAULT. *sigh*

I feel so liberated. I should have tried this years ago instead of the whole accountability thing (epic FAIL)...

THANKS!!!!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I think this could be a book. Perhaps we could sell my books, "Guilt Without Sex", and "How to be Perfectly Miserable", as a boxed set?

Kristina P. said...

My aunt must have had the martyr goal for the past 20 years.

Crystal said...

Holy crap-that's awesome! Well done! I love those- I think everyone should have a copy of this!!

Tiffany said...

Do you know my sister?

.:Anna:. said...

Did Tiffany just say that? Since she has three sisters I will assume she isn't talking about me.

... is that my Tiffany sister who said that?


On the plus side your Christmas cards went out before December 31! Mine are in a bag on the table.

Heidi said...

I'll try

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